I've been a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn, and a king; I've been up and down and over and out, and I know one thing; each time I find myself flat on my face, I pick myself up and get back in the race.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

When in Rome.... Should I Act Like Parents Do On FB?

There are very few knowns in the Animal Kingdom. One of them is that animals breed. Humans are animals. Humans breed. I am always amazed at how many Americans have fallen into this weird trap of Child Worship. Like birthing a child is some kind a unique thing that only certain human females can do. It drives me nuts.

I a firm believer in too much of anything is bad for you. So when applied to this situation, even keel parenting is the best. If you are going to pop out a child,  you better be financially and emotionally prepared to take care of it. Your life will not be about you anymore. But that does not mean that the world should stop for this thing you have (or your lady friend/surrogate has) pushed from her vagina.

The slippery slope to child worship is Facebook. Not all of these pet peeves leads to child worship, but some of these things could be classic signs. And they drive me nuts. So I have contemplated living my life on facebook like some of the parents. I sometimes like to label them on twitter with the hashtag #ParentsBehavingBadly. Here is a list of what I am thinking of doing:

1). Excessive Birthday Parties/Showers with outrageous gift registries. Have you seen this yet? A child is turning two. This snot nosed rug rat will not even remember this birthday and the parents are throwing not only lavish, thousands of dollars parties, but then they have a gift registry!!?? They seem annoyed if you decline and very upset if you don't bring a gift from the registry. The cheapest gifts are like $100!!! I don't have that kinda dough. It reminds me of the Sex in the City episode with the psycho mom friend where Carrie ends up having to marry herself to recoup her stolen shoes:

A Woman's Right to Shoes

I would of course only throw this kind of party once. And even though my registry would be hugely expensive, I never had any presents for my birthday growing up, so I must make up for lost time!Be prepared to open up your pocket books!

2). Belly Shots. Women who know me. Do you want to see photos of my large belly on facebook? Does the mention of this repulse you? That is how I feel when you show off your pregnant belly. It is the same thing. The world does not want to see your belly. Or your hand over your cooch and breats. I am at the end of my rope with belly shots. The next lady who is preggers who posts a belly shot, I am so tempted to take one of myself and post it on her wall. It won't be as fun when my Metabolic Syndrome is treated, but right now it will be epically awful.

3). The Stay at Home Mom "Boo Hoo It's Monday" ~ Stay at home mom's..don't get your panties in a bunch because my anger for your comments on facebook complaining it is Monday is out of this world; I almost can not handle it. I want to break the neck of every stay at home mom who whines about it being Monday. You have No Mondays. Since I have finally brought up the furry I feel about this subject, I will blog about it later, but everyday is a Wednesday for you. Everyday is a Friday for you. You have no boss you have to report to. And no, your child/children are not the boss. If you say they are, you are doing it all wrong and need to give your children up for adoption. I am not sure I have an equivalent facebook post to this. The only thing I can come up with is posting that I hate that it is Friday. Or maybe that I love Mondays because I get to be with children. hmmmm. I think I will do that as a comment under this ridiculous post.  

4). Sick/mangled friends. Why has there been a rash of parents posting photos and stories of their friends' kids who have been in horrific car accidents and look all mangled and beat up and bloody and then ask for money? I know I am guilty of asking for money for not-for-profits, but this is over the top. I am going to start posting graphic/gruesome pics and ask for money.

5). The 'age sign' in photo. First. Parents. Follow this simple rule. When a child is 1-11 months, you can say months. Once a child hits 12 months, you say 1 year. Got it? Every time a parent says, "Oh he is 14 months!" I want to punch him/her in the face. 1 year. 1 year. Get it right. The newest trend on Facebook is to post a picture of a child with a sign that says how many weeks/months/years the kid is. I can start doing this too. In fact, I am three days away from being 404 months old. How cool is that!! :-)

Join in with me and fight the absurdity of these parents. Because even if they are not child worshiping, they are jumping on a silly band wagon that needs to be stopped. Like Lynnwood hair or Ballard drivers.


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